In Between
In between is a feeling. It’s a state that I’m constantly in. It is a literal and figurative speech of those spending time studying abroad.1
It’s a feeling that is difficult to grasp and understand on my own. It’s a feeling that pops up during hangouts, even with the people I care about the most. It’s a sudden jolt that brings you back to reality while going out on a Saturday night in NYC. What am I doing here? On these unfamiliar streets, where people passing by barely resemble my skin tone or my accent. Where am I heading? With the people I just met a few months ago. What am I speaking? A language that’s so foreign to me yet becomes part of my identity. I’m not sure. I’m in between.
I feel in between New York and Hanoi. In between a city that never sleeps and a city that shuts its light off at 9PM. It has been a few years since I have gone back home. 2 years to be exact. Compared to the previous generation of international students, I am privileged. My cousin didn’t go home 7 years after he arrived. But the feeling I have is indescribable. I am fortunate to study in the U.S since high school. It’s interesting to leave my motherland so early, at the age of 15 to study in the U.S. I don’t think my identity or personality was formed completely yet, or formed at all. By going to the U.S, my experience was shifted to a new perspective and a new life. Half retains the Vietnamese culture and half adapts to the American boarding school environment.
This will be my 7th year in the U.S. A lot has changed since high school. But I haven’t been able to shake the in-between feeling I always have. I am not aware when it creeps up on me. Maybe the day I landed, subconsciously. Or maybe the day I graduated from high school. It doesn’t matter I suppose. The in-between state is more present now than I have ever experienced.
I’m not an U.S citizen but I feel like I am. I spent my teenage years here, developing lots of friendships with people across the U.S and internationally. I went to a boarding school, where the majority are from wealthy New England families. Does that make me less or more American than other Americans? I’m not sure.
I’m in between. Am I good enough or am I not good enough? The constant question I ask myself while studying Computer Science. I guess I didn’t know what I got myself into. I’m in between. Am I a good friend or a bad one? If I haven’t reached out to those I consider friends regularly, does that make me less of a friend to them? I’m not sure. I’m in between. Am I an introvert or extrovert? I can’t really decide. I’m anxious around people I don’t know. I’m awkward and don’t know what to say. But I don’t want to hide from the interaction. I’m in between. Living here. Making money here. Speaking the language here. Paying my taxes here. But I don’t feel that I’m part of it. Part of this society. One that’s so foreign but slowly becoming the closest thing I can call home while my original one is far away. I’m in between. Insecure about my abilities and questioning every decision I make. I’m in between. Because I know I should be happy for my friends and yet am so self-aware of my lack of skills to achieve more. I’m in between. Whether a decision is the right one or not. I’m in between.
In between. A feeling I have developed recently. It’s a mix of melancholy and optimism. Scared of what’s yet to come but hopeful for what might eventually arrive. Maybe that’s the feeling we have. On our daily commute to work. Sitting across from another person on the R. Immersed in our own world and judging ourselves while observing the rest moves without us in the equation. Maybe I won’t be able to shake it off. But each day, each step, each decision I make, I hope to inch toward a more complete feeling, where I’m no longer in between.
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This essay is edited by Lihui (Leah) Wang, a software engineer at MongoDB from UPenn. Leah is the coolest SWE I know. She enjoys English but also delivers excellent front-end product. ↩